Now, I will start off by saying that I do NOT hate men. I have a loving husband whom I adore! I will also state that these are simply my opinions/beliefs on the cycle of violence, based on situations in my life and the recent news headlines. I am not a counsellor nor a physician. These are strictly observations of situations. Whether my experience or not, it is information only in hopes that maybe I may reach women out there putting themselves at risk. It may take awhile for us to learn what is needed in order to be safe and happy, but it is always a good thing when we learn them.
I feel it necessary to blog about this subject given the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown, and for the sake of lending voice to women around the world who have been, or are being, abused. I believe there are men out there being abused too, but women have been allowing themselves to be abused for centuries.
I think we all know women or have had experiences where we as women have allowed ourselves to be hurt, both emotionally and physically. I do not care if a woman has been the one to strike out physically first (which is wrong in my view too), but a man is NEVER to lay a hand on a woman. .
Why does violence, whether it be emotional or physical occur? I think there are two reasons. One is a woman's responsibility and the second is a man's. It all stems from the same responsibility, an emotional one.
We meet, we fall in love, we have fights and disagreements, we kiss and make up. As a woman, it is my responsibility to love myself first. It is my responsibility to gather tools in life in order to make healthy decisions with respect to relationships. I have had two relationships that were abusive in nature. My first marriage and one other relationship. I had grown up with a father and a strong family, but somehow got a message picked up along the way in my life that I needed a man in my life. Now, for me, and hopefully for others, it is important to always remember that we don't NEED anyone in our life, men - or just relationships for that matter - are a "wouldn't it be nice to have", aka a want.
I saw myself married by the age of 22 and divorced before my 27th birthday. The straw that broke the camel's back, was the day I found my car key broken, myself shoved up against a wall, and told I wasn't going anywhere. There had been emotional abuse throughout disagreements in the five years of my relationship with this man, but it was driven home very hard on the last day I was with him. The day started with me getting ready to go out the door to go buy some new clothes. Turns out I didn't have his permission, was "too fat" at my whopping 135 pounds on a 5' 7", small-boned frame, and wasn't allowed to spend my own, hard-earned money. I found myself pinned against a wall, my car key broken in half, and my backbone found. If that wasn't a fine dose of emotional abuse to be swallowed with the physically abusive pill. Luckily, as stated, my backbone showed up. I packed a hamper full of clothes and asked to be taken to my parents place. Tears streaming down my face, my now ex-husband drove me out to my parents place, where a door would always be open for me, my home. I remember walking through the door with said tears streaming, looking up at my mother standing at the top of the staircase and my stating, "I did it.......I finally did it!" My mother had this horrified look on her face as if I was telling her I committed a major crime, then asked "What did you do?" I replied, "I've left him, I've left him for good". I never looked back, not even when he came nosing around three months later to say he was sorry, and trying to say all the right things to get me to return home, "I'll do whatever you want", "I was wrong", "We can go to counselling", yada, yada, yada. Those three months had passed with me taking time to heal emotionally, seek counselling, and be on "my own". Single - for awhile. I found myself dating again, a nice natured man this time, and although we never stayed together, he was the proof that nice guys do exist.
Many years later, I found myself at a career change that helped instill a valuable lesson about being emotionally responsible on this planet. A counsellor told me I wasn't "responsible", and although I needed one more kick at the ex-husband's pattern in a relationship that followed, I learned how to be emotionally responsible. By that I mean this. I believe we have two choices in life, to be a victim or a volunteer. If one stops to think about it, nobody is responsible for how we are feeling, how we interact with others, or how we are treated by others, but ourselves. It is up to us to show people how to treat us. I stopped blaming everybody else for the problems I found myself in, and became a volunteer through life. Some further education taught me how to communicate using "I" statements, and I found myself moving forward into an even stronger sense of security about who I am, and where I stand. Being able to say "I am frustrated when..." or "I got upset when..." really helped me to learn how to fight fair, stand up for myself, and further bring home a true sense of my own worth. Name calling and blame-gaming is a behavior I have rid myself of, and I think this planet would be a better place if we could all learn to do it.
Unfortunately, as stated, I needed to put myself through one more lesson to drive home a point of just how valuable I am. Now, I will start off by saying this, I am greatful that he kicked me to the curb, as it probably would have been awhile before I'd come to my senses, despite what I was previously taught. That is an unfortunate part of our hearts that maybe keeps us where we shouldn't be, in abusive relationships. This time I found my good heart in "love" with a verbally abusive man. I firmly believe physical violence was pre-empted by my timely departure. I wasn't blonde enough, big-boobed enough, etc. It was always MY fault that I made him mad (just like my ex-husband). Any of this sound familiar? Then pack a bag and RUN!!!!! Although I had managed to find myself down to his beloved size two, the bar just kept getting raised. Every time I jumped to his "how high", it would have to be higher to the next molding of me on his agenda. Once gone, I never looked back. Thank GOD once again for my amazing family, friends, and for a good counsellor who drove home one final piece of the puzzle.
Now, although I was fully capable of using "I" statements, I needed to realize a piece that although close to fitting into my puzzle, hadn't quite been turned properly in order to complete me, "I am the cake, and all the rest is icing". I had to stop worrying about people liking me and reverse it. I needed to worry about whether I liked them or not. I started making my lists. I opened up a particular book, by a particular TV personality/Doctor and decided to create my 80% solution (and whether male or female, I think we all deserve said 80% solution), my own personal inventory, and my deal breakers with respect to relationships. I also added one particular aspect that I wish all people entering into a relationship would consider. Being able to communicate or see what a previous relationship is like and, if applicable, how your potential gets along with an ex-spouse. If your current potential is calling any of his previous exes "psycho" "bitch", etc., tell yourself "If we break up I'm going to get added to that repertoire", and yet again, RUN! If your current potential is calling their ex-spouse any list of names and blaming them, you are dealing with an emotionally irresponsible human being. It is always two to make and two to break. If they speak well of previous relationships (spouses included), then there is room to move forward. If they have a great relationship with their ex-spouse if children are involved, then there is room to move forward. Trust your gut from the minute you meet. Your gut always knows. Whether we choose to listen to it or not is another story. My gut had told me about this one, but I was lured by the shiny package and put my gut on ignore. This advice applies to both sexes looking for relationships. But women in particular have a finely tuned "gut" if we just want to listen to it.
Now I don't consider myself a mainstream religion human being, but it is by the grace of God that I am on this planet to tell my story. It is also with great pride that I report that I am happily married to one of the gentlest and kindest men I know (besides my amazing father), and have amazing stepchildren too! It is possible to have that relationship you want. We just have to have the right tools, a good family, great friends, and a solid counsellor when needed. We also need to be prepared to walk away. Love should NEVER hurt.
While miracles never cease, I am truly saddened by the latest headlines that find a young couple proudly displaying it's okay to go back to an abuser. What kind of a message is being sent by
Rihanna taking Chris back? Well, I'd like to be mature and responsible by saying that it is possible that Chris can learn to beat his past, it takes two words, words I've stated before..........emotional responsibility. I don't care if Rihanna hit him first. No matter what she did to make him angry, it is HIS responsibility how he responds. A man is NEVER to lay a hand on a woman, and a woman should never hit a man either. A man has no right to call a woman "fat", "stupid", "lazy" or "ugly". That's how it all starts....words then hands. It is a rare breed that will not turn to physical abuse once emotional abuse starts. I have come to a conclusion that shy of death, emotional abuse scars are much deeper. Bruises disappear.
Be strong. May you find the most important being on the planet, yourself. The rest will follow.
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