When Bad Men Happen to Good Women

Now, I will start off by saying that I do NOT hate men. I have a loving husband whom I adore! I will also state that these are simply my opinions/beliefs on the cycle of violence, based on situations in my life and the recent news headlines. I am not a counsellor nor a physician. These are strictly observations of situations. Whether my experience or not, it is information only in hopes that maybe I may reach women out there putting themselves at risk. It may take awhile for us to learn what is needed in order to be safe and happy, but it is always a good thing when we learn them.

I feel it necessary to blog about this subject given the case of Rihanna and Chris Brown, and for the sake of lending voice to women around the world who have been, or are being, abused. I believe there are men out there being abused too, but women have been allowing themselves to be abused for centuries.

I think we all know women or have had experiences where we as women have allowed ourselves to be hurt, both emotionally and physically. I do not care if a woman has been the one to strike out physically first (which is wrong in my view too), but a man is NEVER to lay a hand on a woman. .

Why does violence, whether it be emotional or physical occur? I think there are two reasons. One is a woman's responsibility and the second is a man's. It all stems from the same responsibility, an emotional one.

We meet, we fall in love, we have fights and disagreements, we kiss and make up. As a woman, it is my responsibility to love myself first. It is my responsibility to gather tools in life in order to make healthy decisions with respect to relationships. I have had two relationships that were abusive in nature. My first marriage and one other relationship. I had grown up with a father and a strong family, but somehow got a message picked up along the way in my life that I needed a man in my life. Now, for me, and hopefully for others, it is important to always remember that we don't NEED anyone in our life, men - or just relationships for that matter - are a "wouldn't it be nice to have", aka a want.

I saw myself married by the age of 22 and divorced before my 27th birthday. The straw that broke the camel's back, was the day I found my car key broken, myself shoved up against a wall, and told I wasn't going anywhere. There had been emotional abuse throughout disagreements in the five years of my relationship with this man, but it was driven home very hard on the last day I was with him. The day started with me getting ready to go out the door to go buy some new clothes. Turns out I didn't have his permission, was "too fat" at my whopping 135 pounds on a 5' 7", small-boned frame, and wasn't allowed to spend my own, hard-earned money. I found myself pinned against a wall, my car key broken in half, and my backbone found. If that wasn't a fine dose of emotional abuse to be swallowed with the physically abusive pill. Luckily, as stated, my backbone showed up. I packed a hamper full of clothes and asked to be taken to my parents place. Tears streaming down my face, my now ex-husband drove me out to my parents place, where a door would always be open for me, my home. I remember walking through the door with said tears streaming, looking up at my mother standing at the top of the staircase and my stating, "I did it.......I finally did it!" My mother had this horrified look on her face as if I was telling her I committed a major crime, then asked "What did you do?" I replied, "I've left him, I've left him for good". I never looked back, not even when he came nosing around three months later to say he was sorry, and trying to say all the right things to get me to return home, "I'll do whatever you want", "I was wrong", "We can go to counselling", yada, yada, yada. Those three months had passed with me taking time to heal emotionally, seek counselling, and be on "my own". Single - for awhile. I found myself dating again, a nice natured man this time, and although we never stayed together, he was the proof that nice guys do exist.

Many years later, I found myself at a career change that helped instill a valuable lesson about being emotionally responsible on this planet. A counsellor told me I wasn't "responsible", and although I needed one more kick at the ex-husband's pattern in a relationship that followed, I learned how to be emotionally responsible. By that I mean this. I believe we have two choices in life, to be a victim or a volunteer. If one stops to think about it, nobody is responsible for how we are feeling, how we interact with others, or how we are treated by others, but ourselves. It is up to us to show people how to treat us. I stopped blaming everybody else for the problems I found myself in, and became a volunteer through life. Some further education taught me how to communicate using "I" statements, and I found myself moving forward into an even stronger sense of security about who I am, and where I stand. Being able to say "I am frustrated when..." or "I got upset when..." really helped me to learn how to fight fair, stand up for myself, and further bring home a true sense of my own worth. Name calling and blame-gaming is a behavior I have rid myself of, and I think this planet would be a better place if we could all learn to do it.

Unfortunately, as stated, I needed to put myself through one more lesson to drive home a point of just how valuable I am. Now, I will start off by saying this, I am greatful that he kicked me to the curb, as it probably would have been awhile before I'd come to my senses, despite what I was previously taught. That is an unfortunate part of our hearts that maybe keeps us where we shouldn't be, in abusive relationships. This time I found my good heart in "love" with a verbally abusive man. I firmly believe physical violence was pre-empted by my timely departure. I wasn't blonde enough, big-boobed enough, etc. It was always MY fault that I made him mad (just like my ex-husband). Any of this sound familiar? Then pack a bag and RUN!!!!! Although I had managed to find myself down to his beloved size two, the bar just kept getting raised. Every time I jumped to his "how high", it would have to be higher to the next molding of me on his agenda. Once gone, I never looked back. Thank GOD once again for my amazing family, friends, and for a good counsellor who drove home one final piece of the puzzle.

Now, although I was fully capable of using "I" statements, I needed to realize a piece that although close to fitting into my puzzle, hadn't quite been turned properly in order to complete me, "I am the cake, and all the rest is icing". I had to stop worrying about people liking me and reverse it. I needed to worry about whether I liked them or not. I started making my lists. I opened up a particular book, by a particular TV personality/Doctor and decided to create my 80% solution (and whether male or female, I think we all deserve said 80% solution), my own personal inventory, and my deal breakers with respect to relationships. I also added one particular aspect that I wish all people entering into a relationship would consider. Being able to communicate or see what a previous relationship is like and, if applicable, how your potential gets along with an ex-spouse. If your current potential is calling any of his previous exes "psycho" "bitch", etc., tell yourself "If we break up I'm going to get added to that repertoire", and yet again, RUN! If your current potential is calling their ex-spouse any list of names and blaming them, you are dealing with an emotionally irresponsible human being. It is always two to make and two to break. If they speak well of previous relationships (spouses included), then there is room to move forward. If they have a great relationship with their ex-spouse if children are involved, then there is room to move forward. Trust your gut from the minute you meet. Your gut always knows. Whether we choose to listen to it or not is another story. My gut had told me about this one, but I was lured by the shiny package and put my gut on ignore. This advice applies to both sexes looking for relationships. But women in particular have a finely tuned "gut" if we just want to listen to it.

Now I don't consider myself a mainstream religion human being, but it is by the grace of God that I am on this planet to tell my story. It is also with great pride that I report that I am happily married to one of the gentlest and kindest men I know (besides my amazing father), and have amazing stepchildren too! It is possible to have that relationship you want. We just have to have the right tools, a good family, great friends, and a solid counsellor when needed. We also need to be prepared to walk away. Love should NEVER hurt.

While miracles never cease, I am truly saddened by the latest headlines that find a young couple proudly displaying it's okay to go back to an abuser. What kind of a message is being sent by
Rihanna taking Chris back? Well, I'd like to be mature and responsible by saying that it is possible that Chris can learn to beat his past, it takes two words, words I've stated before..........emotional responsibility. I don't care if Rihanna hit him first. No matter what she did to make him angry, it is HIS responsibility how he responds. A man is NEVER to lay a hand on a woman, and a woman should never hit a man either. A man has no right to call a woman "fat", "stupid", "lazy" or "ugly". That's how it all starts....words then hands. It is a rare breed that will not turn to physical abuse once emotional abuse starts. I have come to a conclusion that shy of death, emotional abuse scars are much deeper. Bruises disappear.

Be strong. May you find the most important being on the planet, yourself. The rest will follow.

The Little Golden Man......

This year marked the 81st Academy Awards, and boy were they outstanding!!!!!! I have watched the Oscars for as long as I can remember (at least 30 years), and this year saw a return to the showcase it once was!

This year's host was none other than Hugh Jackman! Not only does the man look good, but he can sing AND dance. He looked in his element as he danced and sang his way through the opening number. Thank you for such a memorable experience for an avid watcher. When I watched some of the news highlights (and Oprah's Post-Oscar Special), the buzz was that once again, the Academy had returned to it's showmanship roots, and the air was filled with voices of gratitude.

For me, the most brilliant, and touching, experiences were the four main acting categories. How amazing to watch five previous winners from the following categories, step forward from behind the curtains and have gracious words for each one of the nominees in their respective categories:

Best Supporting Actress - Tilda Swinton, Whoopi Goldberg, Eva Marie Saint, Goldie Hawn, & Anjelica Huston

Best Supporting Actor - Alan Arkin, Joel Grey, Cuba Gooding Jr., Christopher Walken, & Kevin Kline

Best Actor - Robert DeNiro, Ben Kingsley, Adrian Brody, Michael Douglas, & Anthony Hopkins

Best Actress - Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Shirley MacLaine, Sophia Loren, & Halle Berry

BEAUTIFUL! I was moved to tears as elegant words were spoken, particularly to Penelope Cruz, and Kate Winslet.

Even more touching was the acceptance speech by Heath Ledger's father, mother, and sister as they humbly accepted the second ever post-humous award to be handed out to the Academy. Heath wholeheartedly deserved the Oscar nod, and would have won even if he was around. His performance was nothing like anything I had ever seen him pull out of his repertoire, including Brokeback Mountain. We love you Heath!!!!!

On a final note to the night, I truly appreciated Sean Penn's sentiments in his speech. Despite the fact that even he knows he is difficult to work with (and alluded to it in his acceptance speech), it is a testament to his abilities as an actor to have brought Harvey Milk to life. Mr. Penn stood on a very solid and worthwhile soapbox to call to and end to inequality and that all humans, regardless of their sexuality, have equal rights. We are ALL human beings.

Once again, thank you to Bill Condon, Laurence Marks for producing one of my favorite Oscars of ALL TIMES!!!! OUTSTANDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now for the news we wish didn't happen......

Like the universal Yin-Yang, there is always a mixture of good and bad on this planet. Some day, I would love to see the news be 70% good news, and 30% bad news, and then slowly wipe bad news off of this planet. I am a firm believer that although something bad might be happening, there is always something good that can come out of it. It may take time to show itself, but it usually does.

In my lifetime I have witnessed two space shuttle launches end in the loss of life as astronauts flew towards the stars. In 1986 the Space Shuttle Challenger, and the Space Shuttle Columbia in 2003. We have come so far with technology, and it's great there have been so few crashes, but history, good or bad, should never be forgotten. I am glad that fear never enters into the vocabulary of our courageous astronauts. There have now been unmanned missions to Mars, we've sent the Hubble telescope to the end of our known universe, and we now have the Space Station Mir.

September 11, 2001 an attack unlike any other was launched against the United States. Two hijacked jets slammed into the twin towers in New York. A third hijacked plane crashed into the Pentagon, and a fourth planeheaded for Washington, D.C. was valiantly overtaken by passengers, and a crash in Shanksville, Pennsylvania. The aftermath broadcast was mind-numbing. It's been almost eight years, and the effects of that one day are still being felt by many people, globally. Security is at an all time high. I feel like sometimes you can't even sneeze without someone finding out about it. People come together at times like these, and it was amazing to see bands of "brothers" valiantly search for lost souls in the rubble, and cry on each others shoulders at times of such despair. "Brother"hood amongs our services workers is an undeniable power. To this day, the church next to the twin towers, stands firmly as a reminder of strength and resistance to those that try to oppress. A planet came together to mourn and support those who had lost a loved one. I attended a memorial in town, and it was beautiful.

In early Februaryof 2009, wildfires broke out in Australia the likes of which have never been seen before. Hundreds of human lives were lost, and I can only imagine what the death toll will be for the wildlife (those numbers haven't even been estimated yet). The most horrific part of this is that one human being is responsible for part of the wildfires. I hope that authorities catch the person, or persons, responsible, so that justice is properly served. Like the story that follows, I'm sure the same kind of reaction is taking place on the continent of Australia. One of rising out of the ashes.

In the city I'm from, Kamloops, BC, we also suffered a wildfire of epic proportions about 40 minutes from town. In 2003, a gentleman decided to put his cigarette out in a field as dry as hay. Of all the ironic things, he was an auxiliary firefighter, and was asked by his buddy if "he thought it was a good idea to do that" prior to dropping his cigarette. Thanks to this action, the small town of Louis Creek was destroyed, and had to be re-built by the ground up. A local mill was destroyed, taking with it, the jobs of many. Houses, family pets, and livelihoods were lost, and we were VERY fortunate that only a few lives of a rescue crew were lost when a helicopter went down, succumb by the thick walls of smoke. I was fortunate enough to have time to volunteer at our local animal shelter during this time, and again, the outpouring of support was nothing shy of breathtaking. Thousands of dollars were raised for care of people and animals. I even got myself an amazing little dog out of the whole ordeal. People showed up at the shelter with donations of food, blankets, money, and hours and hours of time. People opened up their homes to humans and animals alike. It was one of the most amazing volunteer experiences I have ever taken part in. I'm sure my tears fell in litres from sheer joy because of a town of 80,000 coming together for the sake of 3,000 plus pets and livestock. God Bless their hearts!

So, despite, having moments like this occur on my radar of time, I know in my heart of hearts that there is always a pearl to be found.........always!

The Dawning of a New Era

We walk through our lifetime, and sometimes forget that unless we put it in writing, moments in time will be forgotten. There are things in my lifetime, that I hope will remain forever on this Blog. We learn from mistakes made (hopefully), and are inspired by true events. This is one I have witness through the media of television. Oh to have been there.....

This year, 2009, one of those positive events has occurred. I don't consider myself a political human being (I do exercise my right to vote), but was completely enthralled with the United States politics this particular year. Although I have been raised in a generation where color is not of importance, and humanity is, an African-American President has come to watch over the United States for the next four years. It will be a painful growing period for all involved, but a breath of fresh air. Like any house that needs cleaning, especially that good old-fashioned Spring cleaning, one usually starts with emptying out the closets in order to re-organize. I truly see this as Barack Obama's first task for what will be a difficult, but rewarding, term.

The White House will have the sound of children's laughter filling it again, with a strong example of a solid marriage and sound family that will forge through a nation in crisis. Call me old fashioned, but family is the foundation to all good beginnings. I cried tears of joy watching a well-spoken man take the Presidential Oath on a Bible that sat in the Congress Library since Lincoln's Inauguration. It sent chills down my spine. Imagine, the man that paved the way for freedom for slaves, and a man whose freedom he fought for, taking the Oath on the exact same Bible. Absolutely touching!

While the world tailspins financially, this planet, for a moment in time, joined an unfathomable universal energy in support of a new found freedom...................the freedom Lincoln started.........leaving the color of one's skin behind, and recognizing people for WHO they are and what they can do.